The Feminist speaks
Was hearing this discussion on radio few days back.."It's only natural for man to philander and stray.."Some stoopid and self righteous guy called in..claiming that a guy can still fool around and maintain a good marriage..right..! My foot! You go try that..especially in Singapore..try asking any "Made In Singapore" women on the streets..whoever will give that sparstic guy the opportunity to be in that position..Perhaps he can go Marina South..there's a huge green field with windy environment..fly some kites..maybe he can..think pretty..only with the ignorance of the lady..who thinks her man is extremely faithful..

Imagine a woman who says that on radio..certainly more guys will call in and call her a loose and immoral woman..but why not men? Yea yea..some will say men and women are different..yea..men dont age as women do..men will still stay charming as they grow older..but..women create all these charming creatures..women create human beings..can men? If Men are from Mars..go to Mars and see if there are any further creations..the population there will probably face a serious aging population..worse than Singapore..What happened to that equality between men and women? Who is who to gauge that men can stray and flirt around but not women? To heck with these sterotypical ideologies..time to wake up you charming creatures..if you expect loyalty..first show some on your part..else hope for none..it's always a mutual thing in relationship..a balance..one side topple..nah..the relationship is forgone.. 1:40 PM

Lost
Woke up early morning..later than usual working days..sense of disorientation sets in..bad start for a Monday..I rushed..from rooms to rooms..I forgot the chocolates..I forgot the sour plums..I spilled water on the kitchen table and I'm late upon meeting him..still feeling ' @ ' though..

Went to work..set myself to check the L-series first thing first the moment I sat down..feeling hungry..but I was nonchalant..Hecked care about that stomach..get the "Ali Baba" items right first..yet..as the morning sets in..pop ups came in..status of this..of that..in the midst of tracking..my mind starts to falter..at one point..afraid of forgetting things that they asked me to take note..on the other, trying to focus..No mood for breakfast..

Going deeper into the lost world, he added to that confusion..to the stress..broke my line of thoughts..I felt disheartened..feel so useless..so incompetent..maybe he's like that..thought I dont really know how to go about it..so do it himself..or cannot stand a snail working? Well..I'm also like that..frustrated easily by impatience..cant he let me finish what he set me up to do? I will ask if I'm unsure..Aint two minds suppose to work better than one? I need people to trust me..What's the rush? James still asleep..and yes..my appetite's gone for good..

The chain of events summed up Monday blues..loads and piles of follow up stuff..the in tray keeps pilling up instead of being cleared..I saw the seventh month praying process going on from the corner of my eyes..buffet sets in..I know dear dont take them..I'm not keen either..appetite lost..a lot of them come in to ask us to join them..they meant well..but I was anti social..needed to go out to the loo..hesistated..then walked past a dozen pairs of inquisitive eyes..lost for words to their never ending questions..=X

Trying to start his car..dear felt dread..battery's dead..told me I may be late for my driving lesson..I understand that sense of loss..for one who is fairly dependent on his own vehicle for transport..tried to comfort him..cancelling my lesson was never a problem to me..if it makes him feel better..but I was not allowed to do so at the eleventh minute..

Turning up a slope..my instructor asked me to practise moving off while the handbrake's pulled up..I succeeded the first time but no matter how much I tried the second time..I kept turning the ignition key upteenth times..the car simply wouldnt budge..agitation seeps in and suddenly just feel cold..for the second time in a day..a sense of chill that comes with disheartenment that flows through me and filled me up..I feel utterly lost..

Sitting in the train..I realise I was not the only lost soul..people sat across me stared into space..some sighing to themselves..What a realm! As I was walking home..trying set my thoughts right..need some time alone..absorbing the night breeze..calms me a little..I was exhausted with weary fatigue..yet..still quite lost..tears found their way to the brim of my eyes..I realise I havent been smiling much dunno since when..as I saw a stranger smile to me while I was walking home..--___--/ 2:59 PM

Finally finally..we met up..both in shades of green..recently we seem to have the same color themes for clothing..it's our typical shopping outing..it's just like a must-have once in a blue moon session..else we will feel extremely lethargic..*_* geez..dear must be shaking his head upon hearing this..cos he knows I'm going to spend money again! Thought I just spend a bomb at the beginning of this month? Life has become such that beginning of the month is always the period of time which we will look forward to..then the ending of the month will be extremely unbearable..sickening life!

Well..Peiyi and I have similar tastes..we love gypsy styles..a bit of Jap mix..and smart casual kind of apparels..so it's really a treat to go shopping with her..hee..but of course..with limited resources to meet unlimited wants..art thou possible? No way man..so out comes long-hidden abstinence and resistance to spend unwisely..In fact, everything we spend on now is actually unwise wah..-__-''' We dont need extra clothing to burst out wardrobe further de..geeez..

Then besides clothing..there is accesories..damned..! How come all look so tempting as compared to before? How come we never notice those pretty shell stuff before..hehe..That's not all..still got face care..hair care..aiyoz..who's the culprit who came up with all these body "gadgets"? Women's money are really easy to earn..Summing up..we really exercise huge resistance on temptations..not a bad effort eh? Haha..amongst these resistance..of course there is still expenditure involved..what's shopping without a little spending? Ha! We forgotten about bags..previously saw some bags on the train that I will want to get for myself and then we actually saw them on a push cart in Suntec! Hehe..as usual..we bought the same things again..^ ^ 2:58 PM

Keeps me wondering..so I thought his actions gave him away..the more excuses you try to give, the more you give yourself away..sad..dont have to announce to the world..yes..but why avoid? Why avoid when someone familiar is nearby? I just threw a simple question..does anyone in MM know about him..? He faltered..did reply..but with more disposition to give his thoughts away..if possible..gives me a feeling that he'd rather no one knows..

He wanted to go somewhere near..we both thought of BK initially..he saw some familar faces..changed mind..claiming that the queue in..especially BK, indicates that we will have to wait very long..end up went to our usual place..further away..but are we safe? Nah..worse..saw a bunch more familar..a bunch who has a high tendency of stopping me at the door..not letting me pass..a bunch whom I need to speak to daily for purchases..to pass by daily to go to the ladies..all giving me weird looks @_@''' Maybe it's not a good day to step out in public today..felt like a confined celebrity..hot on the heels by some paparazzi..

Maybe I have a flair for observations..a flair for body language analysis..or maybe myabe I'm wrong..one moment an urge to let people know..one moment turned around in a frozen expression upon discovery..what's that facial expression I spotted on his face? I admit it outrightly..I am afraid of people knowing..but I'm not one who says " they will realise it sooner of later..people will know sooner or later" and then froze upon discovery..I'll get affected when spotted but extremely disorientated if he's more affected than me..why?

I wish to know..where's the courage that once possessed him to convince me everything's not so bad..that everything will turn out to be fine..? Let people talk..let them say whatever they want..yes..he's available and I'm available..but do they see it that way? Maybe he's like me..expected this will come one day..not knowing it's so soon..and was never prepared for it..Let's see what this can do to me..what's my outcome/fate in Joo Koon? Go bersek..insane..?! Feeling extremely rotten..Perhaps time will change everything..to the better? Just have to be patient with the transition stage..how ironic..radio's playing "Dont Lie..what you gonna do when it all comes out..no no no..dont lie.." 5:05 AM

Facing the auditor..made me feel as if I've returned to the O Levels exam hall..taking English Oral..something that I dread..yet..facing the "examiner" (or rather an inspector invigillating the teacher's way of teaching) makes me feel otherwise today..I was confident..knew my stuff..and I'm not surprised if he booked me for haughtiness..ha! "Non-conformance..Reason: Inventory staff's smug attitude"..-__- Really wonders why dear trusts me on this..isnt he afraid that I'd screwed up? It's ISO, not a small matter..

Preaching VS Influencing
Sometimes it's much more effective to influence than to enforce or coerce..at least the former imprints a greater impact on the person..the latter merely gives a one time trajectory..will be forgotten soon..rather than being calculative, why not take a little more hardship and do up what is supposed to be done? Even if it meant being taken advantage of..wait..if you dont think of it as being taken advantage of, you are not..and then the end result? You'll feel more at ease and less bitter..it's just a thin line separating the 2 schools of thoughts..Actions speak more than words..yesh, it's very true..being a role model is more effective than preaching incessantly..so what? Start influencing people now..it's just a matter of time when the other party will be moved..as the heart's made of flesh..;) 2:08 PM

Seven Swords is spectacular..whoo..violently catching..massacre..decapitation, severing of limbs, eyes slashed out..gosh..this is the most M-18 (violence in content) blog I've ever written..worse..Tsui Hark and company seemed obsessed with ripping off women's clothing..on the overall though, it's a $9.50 worthy movie..thumbs up..I was intrigued by the simple swordsman moves..minus computer effects..less fake sound alterations..and yea..no weird people flying like birds and standing on tree branches..what you see is actually the actors themselves carrying really weighty swords..unlike those in tv serials where the swords blades actually shiver like..hmm..shiny aluminum foil?

The 7 seven swords are each catered to suit the various personalities of the characters possessing them..perhaps Tsui Hark can come up next with a prequel to this showing us how each of them ended up with their respective swords..will be nice..but there definitely will be a sequel..I believe its comic has much more than this..I'm waiting..^_^ 2:15 PM

Another mundane and routined day @ work..mood's attempting to climb up the soapy slide..is it ever possible? Nope, I keep falling..falling into the abyss of bitterness..even tried to use the pile of "forever urgent" issues that were outstanding to bury my "moodiness"..if there is such a word..and I seem to take a lot of bittergourd today..keep having to consistently rid those unkind thoughts in my mind..and replace them with empathy..

I did sense she may be unhappy with me for not finishing up the receipts..or somewhat otherwise..comm people may misunderstand me..(that explained the weird glances I got from them) but I was told to prioritise my work in that manner..she did not knew it..the initial intention was to coerce her to do it herself..end up I just got that "Oh my gosh" feeling..check out slow.com.sg/jookoon..I did those she took 2 days to complete within an hour..thinking why not..since I can finish it and get it over and done with..tsk tsk..I'm ranting..

Yea..I knew she got a lot of project work to do..stressed up over school..project mates..and not much time to accompany her kids anymore..it's tough being a working mother..I did respect her for that..but if you want to do it, do it with pride and determination and stop complaining to others about having a hard life..whatz up with calling the school coordinator and complained to them that the course is very tough, that they should not have so much projects and assignments..have some considerations to mothers..no time to look after their kids..blah blah blah..if that's the case, simple as that..dont take up the course..easy way out -___-'''...and then shut up..

Getting used to things
As I get more accustomed to the job..I start to see a lot of the ugly sides..perhaps dear accelaerated the process of isomorphism..of evolution..of maturity..in me..till sometimes..I feel very de-motivated..it's always a dilemma..I do want him to share with me his unhappiness at work..but at the same time..I knew more about things I shouldnt have..hence affecting my attitude towards people whom I've lost my patience to..sometimes ignorance is bliss..yet if someone close is not not sharing his dissatisfaction with you..you wont feel blissful anymore..(*_*) The insecurity surges forth..

Growing up
A part of life..many will say you can choose whether you want it to be beautiful or distorted..but nah..crappy..how life turns out to be..we have no control over..many a times..we find ourselves in a situation..stuck..in a moment where we have to get out of..loads of decisions to be made..with every decision made comes with heavy responsibilities..note the plural..the transition from innocence to experience is tough..harsh..mould us into something which we are not..As adults, we will try to improve it..and then as always, it brings along sheer disappointment..where it comes to the point where conformance is the best way out..if you cant change them..be part of them.. 2:58 PM

Imagine this..a pile of fruit salad..I really mean a pile..with all your fav fruits in it..chilled..lying on the beach of sentosa..munching on them..with someone whom you know is enjoying it at the same time with you..howz that? you dozed off slightly..woke up feeling refreshed but contact lens sticking to your eyes..and then started kicking an overly pumped up volleyball..why not..since it broke some of our veins if we hit it..haha..vengence on the ball..did some tanning..fried myself golden brown..charcoal to be precise..but on the overall, I had fun..a welcomed getaway from the..what else..Joo Koon enclosure..

Saw the National Day parade on television..a stunning display of all military vehicles..what a sight..the magnificence alone could scare off any thoughts of terrorism lurking somewhere around..raise patriotism..and increase the motivation of getting into the seemingly freaking NS life of some pre-enlisters..somewhat different from last year's authentic and routined tradition..it also seems as if they stored up all the fireworks for New Year Day till now..abundance of fireworks at Padang..and..yesh..comparable amount of fire splitting for 4 other heartland areas..===***===***=== Even western foreigners are spotted among the crowd..in red Singapore tees..with a Singapore tattooed flag on their faces..immersing themselves in the atmosphere..wondering if being cultural savvy is in the genes of all western foreigners..anyway..Happy National Day! 2:59 PM

As usual, dear drove me to driving lessons..gosh..his karmic complaints of lady drivers is getting to me..my car stalled for the upteenth time today..and trapped all the experienced drivers behind the line so much so that they have to wait for the next traffic light to turn green..ha..I'm soo sorrie..

Still trying hard to recover from an impact we both experienced just now..I need time..did expect this but still caught off guard..weird uh..contradicting..worse..did imagine the scenario donkey ages ago..ooOO we saw some familar faces walking towards us..should we go our separate ways and meet up later or say hi together to some disapproving faces? Faces whom we will see from 8-5 almost everyday..no matter how hard I think..how much we joked about it..there's no troubleshooting..I gave up..then we bumped into Annie..took me some time to digest thAt's Annie..she did not look at me..but she did see us..together in close proximity..the moment I digest this, disorientation followed..the chain of events that may happen next flows in me like blood to my head..we are going to have a hard time @work..*o* Happy National Day for now..

Innocence VS Experience
Saw those kids in Mos Burger..kids on the block..kids kicking soccer early Sun morning..how I wish I was a kid again..where mistakes made are pardonable..a surplus of liberation..people dont take you too seriously..and you dont carry the burdens of having to earn a living..the innocence that comes with being one is priceless..the longer you live, the more scandals you'll find yourself in..the tougher it is as you experienced ugly life..live through life like a roller coaster..realising that the transcience that comes with happiness is getting significantly fast paced..the pendulum swings higher..you'll loiter aimlessly towards a hallucinated goal..

But wait..perhaps those kids that I wish I could be like them..are those a decade ago..simply innocent..inexperienced..not those now..who got too much experience in their childhood that they lost their childlike innocence..great dining hangouts..it's not surprising that they dont casual dine at fast food restaurants anymore..they frequent fast food outlets as if they were some homecoooked meals..they will casual dine at..err..I cant think of any for now..??!! You name it..they will let you know..*__* 2:55 PM

Woken up early morning by the surprised sms..yea..paranoialy thought it was a working day..dear asked me go along to his mom's bday lunch..I went along..with an attempted effort to erase the drowsiness on my face..at least the gym session helps a little..but for how long..I'm unsure..moreover..I was bestowed a sleepy face by birth..cant complain much, can I? It's no wonder people all around me just assume I dont have enough sleep all the time..-__-'''

We were early..waited for his sis and her cute little bundle..who walked out from a picture of bliss..perfectly matched couple..his sis (who resembled a taller and more model-like Ericia Lee) placed protective arms around the fragile child..really wonders how she managed to get her shape back so quickly after birth..heaven's really bias..geez..but the main thing is..women just have the innate ability to show maternal love to their flesh and blood..and dear..is all over the baby..he poked him..tickled him..aiyoz..give him a break..bleahz..

I saw those pictures..yea..it's hard..having to maintain a straight face while browsing through them as if I'm ignorant of it..his mom kept quiet..his sis trying to avoid..and all of them seemed to be praying that I dont ask any questions into that direction..something pricked inside me..I dont know what..jealousy? Nah..cant be..believe it or not..it seems as if I'm able to stand outside everything..as some supernatural being watching a drama..feeling a pity that they ended like that..just wish at that moment that my existence is nowhere near..or even non-existence..the moment I saw them..thousand and one questions brewed in my head..swirling..till I simply dozed off in his car..exhausted.. 2:30 PM

Been an extremely homely girl today..geez..stayed at home finished up all the household chores..think I sensed some tease on me by the basketballer sooner or later..-__- Of course, took some valuable sleep and catch up on this blog..and yesh..not forgetting stock up the home fridge with fruits and nuts and more fruits..hee..well, I took simple pleasure with spending some time with my mom in the kitchen, making fruit punch smooties and roasting nuts..call me nuts but I enjoyed it..my life's not just to myself..it's how I make the people around me happy..

Talking about internal struggle..it's ironic that I feel stuck all the the more I try to make people feel happy..*shrug* How I wish I can split myself into 2..24/7 is just not enough to want to spend time with people around you..and at the same time have some time to myself..time..

Time and money
Why cant anyone see that it may be more important than money..The oh-so-valuable paper called "Saint Money" has provided a shield of SPF2000 to their eyes that they arent able to see the most basic things in life any more..sad and yes, pathetic..people spend all their life making money and more money..what's the point? For a better life? I doubt so..waking up in the morning, going to work, wondering what you are going to eat for lunch..and then looking forward to knock-off..days passed..end of month got paid..then start another "vicious" circle? No life..*tsk tsk* Art thou no one to provide a cool solution?

Rich and the Poor
You can call me a poor little girl who's living in sheer poverty and venting her frustrations in black and white, but I see many more colorful meanings from the limited encounters I've come across..I'm actually basking in the rich meanings I derive from a simple act of waking up every morning as well as absorbing the morning breeze that brushes across my sleepy face..enjoying the quiet moment of companionship with my mom in the kitchen..do you? I'm not so poor after all..


2:20 PM

The week passed by with a much improved situation at work..or rather my mood dictates that I'm in a better environment..falsified illusions..hee..Actually naught true..things got worse..The Tianjin plant kept delaying all the items..Indicated SHIPPED in ebiz but the spares are nowhere to be found..it's not that I'm biased or what, ALL items from that plant are delayed..be it coincident..be it inefficient..I'm gonna relax my persistent pressing from Colorado plant..think James and Mark gonna grew quite sick of me..actually chekced my sent items..practically everyday James and Mark will see my name..must be thinking.."Who is this irritating fella?"

Sometimes it's interesting to watch and analyse human behaviour from your counterparts..I seldom speak..but that doesnt mean I dont think or dont see for myself..or I'm kept in the dark..People who doesnt speak much will have the privillege of choosing whether you want to let others know what you know..the vessels who make the most noise dont..cos they will just blurt out every single word in their mind..so what if you are the first to tell everyone the latest news? Oh yea..there's a little prize for the kid to collect..Airheaded.

Boss' offspring was there..I didnt need to ask I knew her innermost struggle..she needed to slip out for an appointment..but boss junior was there..she didnt have the official time off..so she was disturbed..the snowball effect started..it rolled towards her work scope..blinded her from clear instructions on shipping details..a mistake was borne..what's the damned point? Was it so difficult to do the correct thing? Where art thou integrity? Wait..I have to keep reminding myself to reflect upon myself..I'm no saint myself..always believe in the philosophy..the more you see others' weakness and rant..the more you will conform to them..Will I ever land myself into that position? I hope naught.. 2:30 PM

Been feeling better since yesterday..so I thought, to have something bugging you is no good joke..This is the second week in my new workplace..doesnt feel out of place anymore..Normal day at work..but still cant get the discern off my face my attitude and voice whenever I spoke to her..what's worse, she's right beside me..cant seem to just keep quiet for long..

I need peace need time to myself, doesnt want anyone to interrupt my thoughts, my flow of ideas and the pile of stuff I need to follow up..then it started..pop ups..intercom..fedex..DHL..the ebiz website keeps flashing in my face, the "Wait, I'l check for you" all sounds so familar but still..incessant queries incoming..why this why that...life's such a blurred image in Joo Koon..time just ticked by so quickly and you are one step closer to your coffin..but still, it's either you concentrate, get things done and stop complaining or you'll cannot resist giving people crappy attitude (which I'm guilty of that last week).The headache's still there from yesterday..which makes it extremely unbearable to face a computer that has a Sun in it..yes..a Sun..

I went ahead with my driving lessons..even wih a slightly heavy head..lunch and after work is always something that I look forward to..dear is someone who can keep the life in me..I was a totally different person when I'm with him..super crappy..light-hearted..and of all things for dinner, I chose prata..

The instructor called me..and I'm just a couple of steps away from his car..he's extremely punctual..I drove off..with dear's car in my rear view mirror..why does he have to folllow behind me? Thought I just told him it's hard to turn out to the junction, he may vomit blood waiting for me to turn out..then the thought of him say " This must be a lady driver. What is she waiting for? Why doesnt she daringly turn out?" flashes through my mind..then I tried and panicked..half clutched too fast..the car doesnt budge..the ignition died down..damned..think he saw it..after that..it seems I had been driving for a long time..changing of gears just seem so natural..perhaps my mnd manipulated that I have to be natural..mind over body..bleahz..

I was led to the multi storey carpark..weird..as if I had driven to such carparks before..I knew exactly what needed to be done..I did not falter..and the instructor did not tell me what to do..-__- he then taught me vertical parking..the alignment with the demister lines..one turn..full turn..before I knew it..the car's in place.. 1:55 PM