A cliche..but I wish I was.. If there could ever be one wish..what will you wish for? I wish I was free from judgements.. (Who are they to judge me..and who am I to judge them?) I wish I could give effective icy cold stares.. I wish I was carefree.. I wish I could get out..
I wish there is a solution to work.. I wish there was a better solution to surviving.. I wish I will never have to keep looking desperately forward to pay day.. I wish my job's my interest..
(What do I like?) I wish I could be a kid and answer that without much constraints.. I wish I could give an answer without hesitating.. I wish I could have real interests.. I wish I will never have to force myself to be interested in things..as now..
I wish I could maintain my peace of mind.. I wish I could stick strictly to my principles.. I wish I was more tactless.. I wish I will never cry because things dont go well my way..
I wish I could be blind to people's judgements.. I wish I could be deaf to others' comments.. I wish I will never smell fishy things.. I wish I was well-guarded against malicious touch..
I wish I was never sensitive.. I wish I was a waterproof wood block.. I wish I will never join in gossipy sessions.. I wish I will never be a grumpy and ugly auntie..
I wish I'm more cushioned against cultural shocks.. I wish I was more street smart.. I wish I've the means to deal with smart alecks I wish I'm more accomodating against daft individuals..
I wish I was invisible.. I wish I could give hard fist knocks on people's heads.. I wish I could make them wake up.. I wish I could make them watch their a** all the time..
I wish I was immune.. I wish I was heartless.. I wish I was nonchalant.. I wish I never complained.. I wish I was no b**** And I wish I was never here..
irony @
3:30 AM
Wednesday, October 5
The Haphazard Line of Thoughts
Going through a roller coaster period of time..started with mom's shocking news..she has gotten mild liver infection..which weakened her tremendously..her weight plunged..she frequently complains of dizzy spells..gosh..this seems to have put a thousand volts of realisation in me..made me feel so scared all of a sudden..tear ducts gave way and before I know it..the computer in front of me is blocked by few heavy tear drops..I suddenly miss mom a lot..
Dear got his new toy..A beautiful pearly white Mitsubishi..very nicely groomed and designed..adorned with so much accessories that made it one in a million..chiselled body kit..ferocious "fins"..well laid out headlights with white lights..protective Ralli Art sports seats..all running strongly on a 1.8 Turbo engine..he is excited and so am I..Anything that is white is nice.. =D
Went shopping with Peiyi..I always enjoyed doing this..dont know why..makes me feel all girlish and childlike again..I miss being a child after a year in the working world..shopping therapy really does help..then the both of us hogged the neo print machine like nobody's business..going gaga over poses to sit or stand..planting sunflowers stars strawberries all over the picture..^_^
Damned it..the next day..I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm sick, I'm overwhelmed with fatigue and finally was overcomed by it today..I broke down..in front of dear after extreme toughness to hold them back..from lunch till after work..taking huge deep breaths..and now there is an answer to all my recently uncalled-for severe moodswings..I felt something wrong with her..earlier on..something weird and sneaky about her behaviour..she simply shocked the hell out of me with the things she has done..I was utterly disappointed with the one person whom I was initially concerned with getting her nice food so that she can eat well during breakfast and lunch..sad.. =/
Sometimes dear does add to my vulnerability..especially when he's occupied and preoccupied with his own stuff..thinking that the issues that bothered me are the mundane ones, I did not stop whatever he's doing and talk about it..I simply avoided discussing about them..anyway, what was I supposed to tell him? That she said "I always forgot to punch card de..It's not good to be late lei..they will deduct your pay de..good for you..you can now earn more money now that got overtime.." or that she never said thank you whenever I passed her lunch..or claiming that I ought to teach her how to do the job list in case I'm not around on Saturdays..throw me a printed out page and asked me inform US that there is no tracking available in the website..To me, someone who is so concerned about money and overtime pay..will they ever forget to punch card? Maybe she did forget..cannot blame her..since she's preoccupied with ways and means to stay back later and finished the stuff that she cannot finish due to her long gossipy sessions upstairs.." ^ " I see her oh so familar restless behaviour again..whenever she's up to something..yea..it's something she knows herself that she shouldnt do it but did it again..=<
What will these sound to him if he's thinking about the major price update..about the necessary shelves for the boxes..etc..? He has dozen things to handle and may simply think that I'm being too sensitive..or doing small little reports on her..isnt it? Her small body languages jerked me up and kept me wondering what is going through her mind..since her attitude towards me is getting very haphazard. I cant possibly tell dear bits and pieces of a seemingly pending storm in a seemingly small tea cup..it will appear "small sessame" to him..and that the work load is getting to me..so what did I choose to do? Surpressed it within me till I cant take it anymore..till the intuitions that brewed inside me really turn into reality..=X Wait till every single thing that I thought of came true..waiting for dear to reaffirm..yesh..the small issues that bothered me before are not some pigments of my imagination after all..It's harsh for me I know..but at least I'm conscience free from being an assuming two headed hypocrite and someone superficial..
Sometimes..not wearing my contact lens is a good thing..everything in front of me is a blurred image..I dont get to see things too clearly..wont feel affected and bothered easily..I cant see their eyes..cant see their facial expressions..cant see their frowns..cant see their mocking way of looking at people..cant see their small little body languages..cant see what is on her screen..wont be able to see a weary and sunken face whenver I looked into the mirror..thus wont be able to remember how sick I am with this warped world..practically, out of sight out of mind..*shrug*
Sakura in Kyoto and Osaka
Skiing in Hokkaido
Skiing in Switzerland
Midnight sun in Norway
Museums and artifacts in Rome
Manchester in London
Windmills in Holland
Dairy farms in New Zealand
Niagara Falls in Canada
Maui beaches in Hawaii
Beaches in Maldive Islands
