Monday, February 27
I saw him lying there..in the ICU ward..with a long tube in his mouth directly to his lungs..it was painful..but he kept shifting his postition to catch a better glimpse of us..it was a heart wrenching sight..
*****
Many a times..I just wondered about life..death is NOT scary..it's the witness of your loved ones fighting on the edge..fighting to speak..fighting to tell their last words..fighting with pain..fighting with agony that is scary..it can be very horrifying..watching them so susceptible to the unknown moment where they'll breathe their last breath..watch them go helplessly into the unknown journey after death..and human beings being human beings..can never imagine this terrifying scene until they..see it for themselves..
*****
My eyes turned red..I can still see him take the bus..take the train..climb up the four storeys to our place..bought us a huge box of egg tarts..char siew soh..doughnuts..pandan cake..and watch us eat in delight..and now..he's rendered utterly helpless on the deathbed..my heart cringed..and I saw grandpa in him..in which..they held the same tube in their mouths to help them breathe just before they lived to see this world..and of course..us..and how frail they are..we must be prepared for the worst.. .. ..
irony @
1:59 PM
Saturday, February 25
Six years has forced its way through..
I promised to arrange a gathering..and I did..(so proud of myself)..As usual..they were late..not a surprising occurence...just a matter of how late is their punctuality..=) Still..nothing to awe about..cos my pathetic stomach was protesting so hard that the people around me might have already heard it..and it should really conserve some energy since dinnertime was nowhere near..=/
*****
We spent the night idling talk..catching up briefly in one another's stories..Quite a good break from the hassle of working life..away from the need to be on guard constantly..Spontaneity, no ill intentions, no deep thoughts with motives..Just us..putting down our guard..our complex way of thinking..stripped down to a kid..what's wrong with being a kid in this harsh reality? Instead of having to think, "What's the meaning of this??! What's his damned motive?" I'll just savour my sweet yummy mixed fruits yoghart from Secret Recipes and then derive pleasure from idle talk of "What's the latest movie in town?"
At least..I'm back to MY age..back to my silly self..back to 23 years old..I'm tried..tired of thinking and acting like an adult..there is no fun..no spontaneity and no life..At least when a bunch of literature students gathered around..I feel the liveliness of being silly all once again..^_^
*****
I saw the fatigue in their sunkened eyes..I saw it for myself..and I have them myself..now the theory of "Girls aged faster than guys" held so true..because the guys still indulged in the freedom of the study life..since working life adds wrinkles..adds more strenuous attacks on the poor heart..robbed away the young youthful glow on everyone's face..reduces everyone to being a sheer slave for money..they ranted and complained and bitched about issues..in office and in schools..yea..most of them were teachers..irony @
4:30 PM
Saturday, February 18
Happy Valentine's Day..
*****
The Recurring Dream
It happens, again.
Hail it, it simply wouldnt
Go away, it plagues
My mind, for it perturbs
My well being as heavy as
The rock, the pressure on
My heart confesses, yes we can
Never naught.
****
Harsh reality bites into my skin..my flesh..as she told me her innermost thoughts..my heart aches..and I'm utterly helpless..I was stunned but not without ignorance..but she seemed determined..and my resentment just rose out from nowhere..just adds on to the pile of straw already on my back..a perfect example of easily affected by things I do not feel like hearing..
I walked away like a zombetic being drained of blood..on one hand..I cannot turn a deaf ear to my loved one..and afraid that she was making perfect sense..on the other..I hope that is not true..though sometimes..I doubted..not helping either..disappered again..can all just leave me alone..??!
irony @
2:33 PM
Monday, February 13
The Dinner and Dance
They let their hair down..too down..for fellow workmen laid sprawled on the narrow pavements in a nauseous postures..with the indigested beer or wine threatening to overflow out of their long intestines..through the oesophagus and staining the teeth..A very perfect example of no self control..Simply, alcohol magnifies the emotions within..
*****
So far this was the first full D&D that I had attended..though bored..(since I had nothing much in common to talk to my counterparts), being the so diplomatic me..I absorbed every single detail on the standard routine of D&Ds..who knows one day I may be one of the main organisers. Putting that aside..and looking beside me..I was awkward..I was uncomfortable..but I just kept quiet for the whole night..how come I felt so responsible for his boredom..? He was right..he could have done something else instead of attending that function..I could very well attend the dinner by myself..and could very well fend off unwanted attention at the ballroom..myself..(reminds me of one sickening fella..had to squeeze in every picture that I was in..-__- ) perhaps of his presence I must admit..that one sickening fella did not come bothering me thereafter..
Mixed emotions bugged me..as if I had drunk alcohol..(I touched none). On the very contrast..I wished I was really drunk..so that I can let myself go and be oblivious to the "variety" of attitudes around me..one bothered me a great deal..the rest were concerned with making merry out of nothing..Is posing for a simple picture very difficult..? Cynical comments flowed like free flow Carlsberg..it may not hit the target..but it did impact me..One toast and then back to the hp..as if looks can kill..they were staring at me..for whatever reasons..they were uneasy..I had butterflies in my stomach..I cringed..I wished I was really in solitude..I felt awful..Bosses go around the tables to toast with wine..and were quite mortified that I used chinese tea..??! Cameramen moved from table to table..we posed..smiled sweetly..and then back to the same old bored face the minute the cameras' flash off..
One thing for sure..unexpected..my sudden sheer of luck..lucky draw lot 161..which initially seemed to be missing from the fish bowl..was still wondering where the heck did my lucky draw go to? All the ladies had already gotten their prizes..and they were quite exclamatory about me being the last one to get my prize..for me..I just thought..perhaps they misplaced it..perhaps they had already called out that number during my long stints in the ladies..nah..it came..and this was what I got..the 4th prize..
Fujifilm F460
I knew most of the prizes beforehand..even though I wished for none..this additional camera is good enough to interswitch with my Olympus..my brothers could use it and so could I..at the same time..I did not see the need till this moment..still..I definitely did not look and feel like someone who had won such a prize..Numbed utterly..
*****
Sometimes..things that you yearned for it day and night wouldnt come..like a mule..it simply just wouldnt budge..nor even come close..
irony @
2:32 AM
