The Insignificance and Vulnerability of Simplicity

Sunday, November 27

Mirror mirror on the wall..

Taking a really scrutinised look at myself in the lift mirror of Parc Oasis..I realised that I havent stopped in my tracks for a long time to take a good look at myself..All I saw now staring back at me..pufffy eye bags..fine laughing lines..worry lines..sunken eyes with red tiny veins..breakouts..dull skin..I know that I have not only become hagard..I have aged mentally..a lot..=/

The first thought that came to my mind when I heard about Dil's 21st Birthday..how should I ask Aunt Jenn if I can bring him along? Mom's told me before that Aunt Jenn actually discouraged her to allow me to hang out with dear..and since I have also been hearing that some of my aunts been talking behind me, I dont want to spoil everyone's mood..but then again..I'l may be making dear feel bad..feel so uncomfortable..and what if..okie, then maybe now's not the time since it's cousin's bday..but how come I felt so bad so sad? Then as these thoughts were runnning through my mind as I stared at the spectacular view of Chinese Garden..I suddenly miss him a lot..a lot..

Then one by one..my aunts came to me..asked me where he was..commenting to me that I was so silly to have worried about them disapprove him being there.. -__- yea..maybe I was silly..but on the overall, Aunt Jan explained to me that even though they may be uncomfortable, they will not interfere in my affairs as long as he treats me right..because this is my choice..yea well..I dont blame them..cos they cared for me too..=) Perhaps, I shouldnt be too bothered by how others might think or react..this is still..my life..

Thoughts running loosely now as the breeze brushed against my face..dear really did many things for me..especially today..a simple example..my instructors arranged a 7am slot with me for circuit driving..it's my fault for agreeing to this timing..even though I know it'll be very rush for me..but then dear suggested driving me there..-__- it's holy 7am in the morning! Even if he decides to go work..from BB to work, will only take hmm..about 15 mins? What is he gonna do so early at office? Yet still..he drove me to BB..then go work at Jurong..meet me again after a church wedding I've attended at Woodlands, and then drove me to Parc Oasis at Chinese Garden..??! Dear dear..sometimes I wondered if I'm in a dream..Never has anyone treated me that princess manner..never..and I have never thought that something like that will happen to me..independence has always been my middle name..till recently..I realised..my independence is faltering..

What can I do for him? What can I do to show that I care and appreciate whatever he has done for me? What can I do to reciprocate his considerations for me? He dont eat much..dont like people to da bao for him..whatever he needs..he's always in a better financial position to get it..Information? He's got them all..even more familar than anyone would know..policies and laws in Singapore..he knew them by heart..knowledge of cars? Isnt that obvious? Aint I helpless? My contact lens' giving me trouble..my Levis voucher's expiring soon..Peter's wedding..Dil's bday..driving lessons..TP soon..all these rendered me helpless and where cash flow is concerned..I'm feeling so damn down..I hated that feeling of having to worry for money..dear offered to help..but how can I accept further?

Guess I'm not much of a stress taker..what should the forever ignorant me do in a big big world like this? There's so much to learn..so much I want to know..so much I want to do..how should I go about it? Honestly..sometimes I just felt that there is nothing much I can share with dear where information or sourcing is concerned..he's just like the walking yellow pages..I just felt so helpless and insignificant..

irony @

3:59 PM

Wednesday, November 2

Seeing a mom's distress..

Went out with Jamie today..surprisingly..my mood's not there for shopping..weird..guess the effects of my seriously depleting bank account are taking toll on me..=/

Went Crystal Jade for lunch..yummy porridge..then she bagan updating me on her life..a new guy in her life..^_^ for me, nothing changed much since I last met up with her..then after lunch, began our supposedly shopping spree..Jamie was looking for a black skirt to match her top for a wedding dinner..and I was supposed to look for something to spend my money on..at least that will keep me satisfied on this trip..-,- define the female species and their concepts on shopping..some weird logic they have.. -__-

She began trying on black skirts and tops and shoes..etc..me, I saw none that interest me..As she was at Daniel Yam trying out some skirt, I stood outside and began observing everything around me outside the fitting room..I saw the sales people..dressed in gowns and heels..gosh that must be painful..I saw another trying to tie the complicated strings of a gown on this girl..not bad..the gown looked nice on her..

Then, I suddenly heard a harsh loud tone.."What are you doing? Why you like that de? Get out la!" followed by a mom's stunned actions..she was suddenly jolted out of the fitting room by her daughter..the daughter was in the fitting room trying on some dresses when her mom popped in to show her another piece..the poor woman stood outside for a while..disorientated..not knowing what to do..merely keep apologising..=X

I felt heartache..for that mom..how will she think? How will she feel? Carrying her baby in the stomach for nine months..enduring the baby kicks and backaches and labour pains..the piercing pain she has to go through when the baby fist saw daylight..the nights she has to stay up to feed the baby..the loud wails she has to endure..and then got scolded by her very own flesh and blood in front of everybody in public..I suddenly remembered that I did raise my voice on a few occasions on my parents too..damnned me! My tear ducts began to work..

irony @

3:42 PM